And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
