Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
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