i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
