honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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