Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Randomize
