I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Randomize
