Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize