Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
