4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
