my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
