Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Randomize
