I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Randomize
