Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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