That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
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