I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
