after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
