the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
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