So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
Dignity is for republicans.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
