I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
God, you're like boner-b-gone
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
he just fucked me for my cheese..
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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