my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
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