i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
