Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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