Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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