so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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