Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
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