just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Randomize
