Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
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