break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
