sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Randomize
