Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
