i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
