there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Randomize
