Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Randomize
