Cold hands, warm shart.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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