I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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