I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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