I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Randomize
