Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
