I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
