I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize