mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
