Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
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