in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Randomize
