I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
