i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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