i think my mom watched the whole time
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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