Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
