I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
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