my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
