i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
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