Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
