I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize