i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Randomize