Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Randomize
