Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
What a dumb baby whore.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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