last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
